Do You Know This Kind Of Ilness

Ow! I forgot to give a self congratulary post for going to EXO concert! Even it's been months since the last post hehehe

Not so many things happened in the last 5 months. I've achieved one of my dreams, yes, that was seeing EXO with my own eyes. But im not here to tell you about it hm.

So, there is a friend who is kinda a close one, but not really, you know? And there was a circumstance that brought us to a sweet brunch on someday sunny and bright.

She told me story about her longlast friend since highschool, who has changed. Since the friend found new circle of peer, she felt that this friend's demeanor had changed. And she was confused, and wondering that, what if all of this time she befriend her, this friend didnt show her true self?

Hm, we dont know how deep is a person's thought, do we?

But later at late night, my mind brought me to a question.

Aren't you also a dishonest person?
Dont you pretending to be happy and smiling  while keep up with the pace of others?

It slapped me internally. Because, yes, im a two face.

I do pretend to be okay with what others do. Im not a social person. Im not a kind of person who always wants to hang out everynight, surrounded with hundreds of people.

Even doing a nights out with my closest peer sometimes felt difficult.

But i should do it, right? Because im a human with a heart and common sense, because life aint going with me only. And because we meet with many people, dont we also need many faces for them? Because, if we being egoistical heartless human, hm it's not nice.

I dont celebrate things. I dont celebrate my self for getting a good grades. I dont celebrate birthdays, mine included. I dont know why but i have no urge feeling to do it, to do those things others do.

Like, okay, congratulations. Then be it. Final.

So what i want to say is,

Is this a kind of ilness? If i may add that, im afraid sadness will come to me  if i am being too happy, am i sick?

This is really scaring me.. This thought keep bugging me wherever i go, until i found the answer, or,

maybe, until i found my true self?

After 1 Year Hiatus

Ah hello there.

Bukan hiatus sih namanya, memang sudah lupa punya blog. Kalau tadi ngga buka profil facebook sendiri ya ngga bakal kesentuh lagi ini :)

So it's been over a year im feeling comfortable with my life, too comfortable exactly. If i should review my life in 2015, i didn't have any big things done. I did just go to classes and do my homeworks (even im not good at those things), and haven't go to places for some vacation; (but i've categorized myself to people who doesnt really need far and long vacation). Idk why my home (my room tbh) is way too cozy to be left. Okay maybe not just at home for a whole year. My univ has this program called KKN (Kuliah Kerja Nyata -maybe some of you knew it alr) it requires students to give real action for our country-- you may search it by yourself (im sorry! lol). Other works or projects? nah, nope  not really. Oh! I spent nearly all of my time reading fanfictions because.../sigh/ exo. Did i ever mentioned this on my prev posts? I think i did.

I dont wanna reveal to y'all what kind of fiction i read because uhm it's kind of taboo for major people and i  dont wanna be judged by it (ok this is enuf a spoiler lol). Often i feel so gross and insane because --hello oh mygod-- forgive for what i've sinned. but it's kinda guilty pleasure. Fyi some days ago i debutted on aff by writing a 1k-ish drabble /sigh desperately/.

and do you know im gonna meet EXO in 7 days from now! /screeching/

yes you can congratulate me lol

But it makes me remember things. When i told my my kpop friends that im going to the concert, yea they're kinda surprised and saying stuffs, but one thing strike me hard is

what am i exactly doing with my life.

Im happy and so on because i've found my motivation, the only one thing wrong is maybe im not mature enough to handle it. Now i should be busy with reading jounals/papers and doing some equation for my thesis but as you can see instead of it im updating my spidered blog to wash away my stress. Many of my friends's thesis are progressed much already and it makes me frustrated huhuhu :"<

tolong :"

I have soooo many things i want to pour here but im not a (wo)man with words so,
I hope this is enough for a post in 1 one year, i do wish i can write more because it is fun.

Too much blabbering im sorry, i will continue reading journals on the other tabs. Bye xoxo.